Witty Mom

“Okay, close your eyes and stick out your tongue!”

Don’t underestimate the hours of enjoyment that Name that Spice can bring. Try it at your next family get-together! Remember, cayenne pepper is off limits, but alum or cream of tartar can bring just as much fun and laughter when added to the mix.

My mind is usually plagued with my childhood stories to tell you, but for some reason I’m running low. And I think I know why. It’s because what seemed like a “white trash” thing to do to other people, seemed and STILL seems perfectly normal to me.

For example, I was brainstorming in the car for new material. I asked Luke if he could think of any good stuff. He was hesitant, but he said something about having a “burn barrel.” What? I think that’s perfectly acceptable! As a matter of fact, we’re building a new house and I was truly expecting to have a burn barrel in the back yard. I told him that and he laughed at me–he said it was fine for a farm, but not for suburbia. Who knew?! Then I read my sister’s comments on “You MAY have been white trash if…” and SHE even mentioned a burn barrel.

So, wait a minute! Am I more white-trashy than I think I am?

I suppose it depends on who’s doing the judging, because I wouldn’t change a thing. In retrospect I realize that everything we did or didn’t do, and everything we had or didn’t have molded me into who I am. And I like me. And almost as important as liking me, I get to tell awesomely funny stories about growing up!

You didn’t have to grow up in a trailer to understand what I’m saying. You just have to love yourself right now. Pay your respects to the hard times, because they made you strong, and lay them to rest. Then you celebrate and cultivate the good memories, because those are the thoughts that you want to carry you through life.

So due to my recent “burn barrel epiphany,” I now get to reexamine my past and laugh at even more memories.

And I’m really looking forward to that!

Okay, I was always picking on my friends. They must have kind of liked it because they’re still my friends! But they got their revenge.

There was this boy that I had a crush on, though I didn’t really know him. You know how it is, if he’s cute you love him? Anyway, in light of my social anxiety disorder, I had my friend call him because I was a big chicken–and it was one of those things that we were pretending that I was oblivious to her phone call to him. He asked if he could see a picture–you know, to make sure I wasn’t a freak of nature.

So I told Michelle & Nicki to leave me at my Grandma’s house and they could go drop off the picture at his house, but they convinced me to go with them and they would just park on the side of the house. Well, we pulled up and I was still nervous about being seen (because that would have looked desperate), so they told me just to lay down in the backseat and they’d cover me up with clothes (my backseat was full of them.)

So I layed on the floor of the car, all covered up, and they took off to his front door to give him a picture. Then I hear them giggling, coming back to the car.

The door flings open. I am laying under a pile of clothes on my car floor in a sort of fetal position, and HE is standing there staring at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the entire world.

And I certainly was.

Michelle and I had this neighbor and he was always high – always! I can’t remember ever seeing him with his eyes fully open. But, aside from his “partaking”, he was a really nice guy (aren’t they all?). And he didn’t have a car, so we drove him now and then. It was better that he didn’t drive, believe me.

Michelle can fill in the blanks, but one night Aaron had hit the Jaegermeisters. He was running through the parking lot like a wild person and he had this 16 year old kid with him who thought he was going to “tame” his drunk friend. That part was comical. Well, somehow he gets us to drive him to Sherry’s restaurant – open 24 hours. We’re hungry and could use a laugh so we take the bait.

Oh, let me mention first that Aaron is wearing a big cat-in-the-hat style top hat. Why? No idea. So, we’re seated at Sherry’s. Michelle, me, Aaron, 16 yr old kid and some other guy. We’re in a booth by the kitchen. Aaron is giving the waitress a hard time, but she’s still got a smile on her face so we’re in the clear.

As soon as the waitress leaves he gets on the floor, legs crossed, and starts singing. 16-yr old kid is trying to calmly talk him down, which only makes things worse. Aaron then jumps up, runs into the kitchen, and swipes a bunch of bananas and a can of spray whipped cream.

Michelle and I are straight-laced, and I don’t know about her but I’m in a panic thinking we’re going to go to jail or something. Aaron is shoving bananas in his mouth and squirting the whipped cream between bites (all the while with the top hat on).

I have no idea how he eluded the vision of everyone else in the restaurant, but I was glad to get out of there. It gave us a good laugh, and reminded me why I didn’t drink.

I think everything traumatic happened to me when I was about nine years old. Why is that? Well, for THIS particular story it’s likely because my sister AMEE was just entering her hellatious (word?) teen years….and she hated me.

We were at John’s Pet Shop here in Spokane (now Trade-a-Game) and they had a caged monkey in the back. I think it was a chimpanzee, probably the size of a 2-year old kid. It had toys. It HAD toys. But my loving sister, Amee, TOOK the chimp’s toy from him. Okay…no big deal. Yeah, right, tell that to the monkey!

The monkey freaked out…I mean really! He couldn’t get to his toy (as Amee is laughing) and so he reached out with his long, gangly arms and grabbed me by the hair. Of course there are bars separating us, and he’s trying to jerk me into the cage, but the bars are stopping me…slam after slam. Klunk. Klunk. Klunk. Nope, my little screaming head will not fit through the bars. The whole time my Mom is trying to pry the monkey’s fingers off of my hair…EVENTUALLY with some success. The pet store owner, of course, is in a frenzy…probably thinking “lawsuit, lawsuit.” Finally, Mom yells at Amee to give the monkey his toy back. And all is well.

My scalp was so sore that day. So, so sore.

Pretty Funny

On our first date, my husband took me to Saltys–a seafood place overlooking Spokane Falls. It was semi-fancy, and I was trying to make a good impression.

Before the meal we were served sourdough bread with oil & vinegar on the side for dipping.
Well, while we were eating, I dropped my napkin on the floor. I leaned over to pick it up, and as I leaned my long hair pooled into the vinegar & oil dish. I realized what had happened a little too late as it was dripping down my absorbent WOOL shirt! And of course the napkins they give you in those places are polyester, and wouldn’t soak up any of it.

We both had a good laugh, and I spent the rest of the evening with a dark oil stain down the front of my shirt, and stinking like vinegar.

Runner Up

Luke and I were at my parents house when we were dating, and we were in the kitchen making something to eat. There was a box of plastic wrap on the counter, and somehow I turned around and raked my elbow across the serrated edge. It REALLY hurt, but I didn’t want to look like a big baby. He kept saying “Are you okay?” but I was playing it cool saying “Oh, it’s fine, it doesn’t even hurt.”

Little did I know, I was bleeding quite profusely, and my act didn’t fool him, which made it even more embarrassing. He started laughing at me of course, because who do you know who has managed to sever their elbow on a Saran Wrap box?

I still have a scar.

Yep, I had forgotten that I had “stuffed”, and, in horror, told her that I had JUST put them there to “see what it looked like.”

Sad, sad girl.