14 Nov 2005
“When you are intent on pleasing God, then the opinions of others simply don’t matter.”
“When you are focused on pleasing God, then the opinions of others simply don’t matter.”
Okay, this is something that I’ve wanted to write about for a long, long time. I’ve had it in the works, but I didn’t know exactly what it was called. A couple of weeks ago, my friend and business partner, Laura, mentioned to me that someone in her life had this type of behavior and she named it for me…so then I was able to commence in my writings. This will make more sense as you read, but first, here’s a little quiz. Answer yes or no:
1. I give a lot of myself, both in time and talents, but I just don’t feel appreciated.
2. Difficult issues from my life, past or present, hold me back emotionally.
3. I don’t like confrontation.
4. I speak my mind, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
5. My peers don’t seem to respect my opinion.
6. I often have to justify my actions or behavior to those around me.
7. If I’m asked to do something, I often do it differently than instructed.
8. I often leave projects unfinished or don’t begin a project in which I think I may fail.
9. I often cancel plans with friends and/or family, sometimes with no notice at all.
10. I feel threatened by the accomplishments and/or possessions of others.
11. I feel I must remind people of my accomplishments and/or possessions so they’ll see that I am valuable and treat me that way.
12. People are always telling me what to do and/or how to live my life.
13. I often forget or put off things for people that I had promised them.
14. I have trouble getting along with my bosses and/or teachers.
15. I have lost several friends because they didn’t respect me.
If you answered “Yes” to most of these questions, you may now classify yourself as a “Passive Aggressive.” Thank you for being honest.
If you answered “No” to most of these questions, but felt resentful at the mere suggestion that you may be like this, you may also classify yourself as a “Passive Aggressive.” And at this point you will begin to take offense and mentally form your responses which will, no doubt, be laden with excuses.
Passive aggressive people are likely the most difficult people to deal with, whether on a personal or professional basis. Quite often you realize that you don’t like these people, but can’t quite pinpoint why. There have been books written on how to deal with them. This subject is so elusive that you’ll only find a handful of websites on the “handling” of these folks. Yes, it’s true, the almighty web is even stumped. But in my research–yes, I’ve done research–I realized, happily, that I’ve been dealing with my “PA” acquaintances in just the right way. It was only recently that I realized that they were, in fact, Passive Aggressive. Up until I was able to attach this label, I just referred to them as frustrating.
So, how do you spot a PA?
- They’re generally extroverts; very vocal, very opinionated, and often very loud.
- They’re non confrontational; compare them to a hedgehog. When they feel attacked they bristle up, showing their fiercest side, but when it comes down to it, they’re not willing to fight.
- They constantly complain about self-made situations, yet place the blame anywhere but where it belongs…on themselves. This, they feel, exonerates them from trying to change or better the situation because it’s simply not their fault.
- They’re cruel in the sneakiest ways. They often mask insults as constructive criticism, a suggestion, or my favorite, a question.
- They’re manipulative in conversation, especially heated conversation. They know how to turn things around so the finger isn’t pointed at them. They also quote out-of-context conversations to third parties to gain allies.
- They’re threatened by attention that other people get, possessions other people acquire and achievements other people make.
- They often try to “one-up” other people by pretending to be the bigger person, i.e. giving compliments they don’t mean, offering gifts or services for self gain, etc.
- They won’t back down from an argument until they feel they’ve “won,” even resorting to being hypocritical just to prove their point.
- Last, but not least, they have the fabulous attitude of, “Screw them! Who cares what they think! If they don’t like me, fine!” You get the picture….
The list truly could go on and on, and there are always exceptions to the rules.
What causes this behavior? Well, the APA thinks that this is actually a, dare I say, disease (oh PLEASE). Some call it a disorder. Call it what you will, this behavior is triggered by low self-esteem. It is said that it is put into motion, for some, by being dominated as children. It is a fight against authority. Whatever it is, it’s destructive to the person who behaves this way, to his/her family, relationships, work, etc. The only way to stop this behavior is for the PA individual to admit they have a problem and slowly change their behavior. PAs, it is not necessary to know why you behave this way in order to make changes. It is only necessary to recognize that your actions and behavior are destructive, and to take small steps toward becoming a positive, responsible and constructive person.
Okay, you now know if you have a PA in your life. How do you deal with them? I am in no way a professional, but I’ll give you my take on the situation:
These people are intent on hurting feelings, whether they admit it or not. It’s a constant power struggle, yet they’re the only ones struggling. It is important that you don’t take their snide remarks to heart. In short, ignore them. Their opinions should have absolutely no influence in your life. They cannot offend you because their comments aren’t genuine, they come from a sad place within themselves. Being hurt and showing it is fuel to their fire.
If their behavior is out of control, tell them so in a non-attacking way. Remember, if you turn this into a battle they’ll be intent on winning and nobody benefits because the point of the discussion will be moot. It is more constructive, if you care about this person, to lay your cards on the table. Tell them that they’re acting inappropriately, make sure they know you mean it, and leave it at that. You’re not there for a fight and you’re not backing down.
Sometimes PAs can be truly unbearable. If this is the case, avoid them. Yes, really! Avoid them. Keep your time with them to a minimum. If they don’t get the picture, who cares! At least you’re not subjected to the constant whining and cruelty. Now, there will be times when these relationships are truly toxic. A valuable relationship is only that if you both are gaining something from it. I don’t mean money and gifts, I mean that you should feel good about yourself and each other the majority of the time, or the relationship is worthless. If you’re married to this person then of course it’s not always a great idea to simply walk away, especially if kids are involved. Seek counseling….that’s all I can say about that. If this is a “friend,” ask yourself why you consider this person a friend? What is your definition of a friend? They try and belittle you, make you feel bad..why are you calling this person a friend? I know that therapists (not all, I’m sure) advise telling this person that the relationship you have is a destructive one, and it must come to an end. I can’t tell you what to do, I can only suggest that maybe you rethink the lasting relationships you’d like to have in your life. If you have children, you’re setting the example. If the PA in your life is family it’s my opinion that you should always be gracious and loving, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them. Do you hear me on this? Being related to someone does not mean you must be at their mercy.
I don’t have any more advice to give here. If you’re interested in learning more, there are books out there you can read. I’m not a professional, I have no training aside from the invaluable perspective gained from observing other people.