I keep waiting for Laura to post something, but I promised her NO PRESSURE (ha ha right) and I know she’s in a writing funk, so okay….

I have been on a “diet” of sorts for almost 3 weeks now. I know other people have great success on this program, basically you just take supplements and fat burners and try to eat less. Exercise is a good idea, but I need baby-er steps than that. So I’ve been pretty dedicated to taking this stuff…I won’t name the name because of those other people who have had success, I don’t want to ruin it by saying, “IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!”

Maybe it’s working? I put on my new jeans -which are FABULOUS jeans by the way, the Style & Co. tummy control jeans from Macy’s. I will never buy another pant! These are amazing for those of use who have that “middle” issue. Anyway, I put them on and they weren’t as snug as usual. So while my poundage isn’t really going down, maybe inches are? Hmm…shouldn’t complain.

And on that topic, those “grandma underwear” that are sported by Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’ Diary – those don’t work. That’s like bringing a sling shot to a tank fight with me. Just because they sewed extra fabric in the front does not mean they will have some sort of super power in roping the extra 5 lbs of mom-fat in and somehow distributing it into a natural looking shape on your body. So for the record:

DOES NOT WORK

DOES WORK

I have a funny story about my girdle that works. I’ve had this thing for about 15 years, I probably bought it for my wedding, it’s been that long. Sometimes when I just don’t have the energy to hold in my own fat, I put it on.

So I was going to an all-day function at my daughter’s school. It was one of THOSE days, nothing fit, I felt fat and gross, so I pulled old bessy out of hiding. It had been awhile since I’d used her.

I put her on, she was snug but that was her job. About 1/4 into the day’s activities my heart starts racing and I get a pain in my jaw. My first instinct is that email that floats around about how the symptoms of a heart attack for women are different than men – and I was having ALL OF THEY SYMPTOMS!! Great, here I am at my daughter’s school. I’m starting to sweat along with the jaw pain and racing heart. I’m having a heart attack.

Well, there’s just NO WAY I’m letting the emergency workers find me wearing my under-armour, so I excuse myself to the restroom and slip bessie off and discreetly tuck her…somewhere, I don’t even remember. She has enforcement and doesn’t fold well.

Amazingly after removing my super force girdle, my heart attack stopped. It was that very sad moment that I realized I needed a BIGGER GIRDLE!!! Or a diet.

So here I am.

My daughter (at 5) was singing a song and one of the lines she was singing was “we’re on the planet of the sun.” I thought that was an odd thing to sing and I asked her where she heard it.

Her response: “A black human.”

“A black human?” I questioned. It’s the word “human” that’s caught my attention.

She said in her explanatory voice, “Yeah, you know, they’re really brown but people call them black. Like Kiaya [her cousin] and Uncle Mark.”

She cracks me up. What little kid calls people humans??

Apparently she saw a woman singing the song with Elmo on Sesame Street…that was the black human. Oh, and if you’re curious the song is called “We Are All Earthlings”.

Awhile back I was reading some magazine and in it, it talked about how celebrities are “going green”.

Do me a favor. Go Google this topic: “Jennifer Aniston 3 minute shower” – there are 115,000+ posts about how Jennifer Aniston is doing her part to save the planet by taking quick showers. Favorable? Sure, why not.

Firstly, I think global warming is a farce. I have proof, but that’s another topic. I respect those who are manic about being green, because really, it’s a beneficial habit regardless of what you believe. I recycle by the way.

Digression: Overall, we’re not trying to save the earth. We’re trying to save ourselves. If for some reason we all go extinct because Mama earth just couldn’t hack our sinful ways, then what happens? We go extinct…and who’s holding the ball? You got it, the big ball herself. Doesn’t matter what we do, she’ll still be here. Kind of a funny twist on “saving the earth”, right?

So back to Jennifer’s 3-minute wash-ups. So we Googled the shower topic….now let’s Google this one (I haven’t done it yet): Jennifer Aniston vacation. Here are some excerpts:

You get the picture. Let me also add that I have nothing against Jennifer Aniston, it was the 3 minute shower that caught my attention, not necessarily who was taking said shower. Like I care.

The last time I went on vacation it was to Seattle, WA. Not too exciting, especially since I already live in Washington state. And it was the first “getaway” we’ve had since our kids started making their way into the world over 7 years ago. Pathetic, maybe. Realistic, I’d like to think so.

So on the topic of showers, I get a little sensitive I guess. When I take a shower, I stand there until the water gets cold. I turn the heat up to scalding, close the door and just stand there.

Sometimes I even sit on the built-in bench. For me, THAT is my vacation. The water drowns out the sound of screaming children, Ultimate Fighting Championships on TV, and whatever else may be going on in the real world.

For that 20-30 minutes I don’t have to think or do a thing. I endulge is some of the magnificent offerings found at Allizon.com, sugar scrubs and bathtime yummies.

So am I destroying the planet with my too-long shower? Probably, but certainly no more than the exhaust from a private jet headed to Hawaii.

I was flipping through BabyTalk magazine, looking at the Letters to the Editor and – WHOA! Apparently back in August their cover showed a baby at the breast.

No big deal, right?

I about fell over when I read some of the comments from other women saying that the photo was “disgusting”, “pornography” and that breastfeeding was uncalled for because “we have formula now”.

I guess I’ve been in the dark over here, I had NO idea that some people found breastfeeding repulsive – uncomfortable to be around maybe – but repulsive?? I’m shocked! We have formula now?? Gee, God gave me breasts full of milk immediately after the birth of my babies…it was kind of a hint, I thought (”Use those to feed your baby.”)

Now, if I see a woman just whip it out in public I do a mental double-take, but I don’t vomit. I am actually very discreet, I understand that some people are uncomfortable with a woman’s bare boobie and I can respect that. But really, I cover up in front of my dad and the mailman. In public I use a blanket and try to find a quiet place, and this is mostly so baby doesn’t get distracted.

Yes, I could pump before I go somewhere – and I have – but again, God has given me all I need to feed an infant, no electricity, cooling units, silicone or heating required. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

It’s odd to me that teenage girls can run around half-naked, there’s blatant sexual content and profanity on TV, I’m forced to see other people’s profane bumper stickers and T-shirts….yet if I give my baby nourishment provided by the Lord Almighty, it is shameful. Sorry, not to me.

Only in America….